We all carry remnants of our past, which we tend to prefer to keep hidden, at least to a certain extent – but the bigger the secret, the more challenging it is to conceal it, which can often lead to complications when the truth is unearthed, especially when they relate to more morally questionable aspects of life. This is the core premise of Love Hurts, in which Jonathan Eusebio makes his directorial debut with the story of Marvin Gable, a happy-go-lucky real estate agent who has made a relative success of a vocation that very few view as being entirely interesting, to which he could not disagree more. However, he does have quite a storied past, as he had previously worked as a hitman for a criminal cartel, retiring before he could face the consequences of leading such a dangerous life. However, despite retreating from his past, he realises that it has a tendency to catch up with him, leading to a brutal showdown when his estranged brother – who is still very much involved in the criminal world that Marvin had smartly escaped – sets out to get his revenge, proving that sometimes blood isn’t always thicker than water. If this sounds derivative, its because it absolutely is – Love Hurts is more formulaic and dull than anyone could possibly fathom, being a hopelessly misguided and frankly profoundly boring attempt at capturing the success of films like John Wick and Atomic Blonde (insofar as they are action-packed films about unexpectedly gifted protagonists seeking retribution), but failing in just about every way, choosing to rely far too heavily on the same hackneyed tropes that have always plagued this genre, and doing absolutely nothing to elevate it above the bare minimum. This all ultimately results in an extraordinarily uninteresting film, lacking in both style and substance, and simply being a complete misfire from the very first moments in which it struggles to achieve even the most basic level of consistency.

There is nothing inherently bad about a film that intends to be a homage, whether to an entire genre or a specific aspect, or even simply a particular artist who serves as an inspiration. The problem emerges when it comes time to forge its own unique voice, which is non-negotiable with even the most fervent, fawning tributes. Unfortunately, Love Hurts is the quintessential example of a film that is nothing but a blatant attempt to ride the success of an existing genre, to the point where we cannot even consider it a homage, but rather a parasitic work that intends to replicate the success of existing films, but without even an ounce of the originality or technical skill, hoping that audiences simply won’t notice. Not only do we notice, its ultimately the only quality that we see, since from the very first moment, Love Hurts is beyond formulaic – a mild-mannered man reveals himself to be not nearly as placid as he would seem on the surface, and instead someone with a past steeped in violence and despair, which he has chosen to hide away from public view in the hopes of getting a fresh start and leading a somewhat normal life. The idea of someone seemingly pleasant and harmless having such a storied personal history that reveals how they have been leading a double life, which only emerges when they are forced to used their skills in exceptional circumstances, has become nothing short of a cliche, with action films that show the darker side of pleasant domesticity being a dime a dozen – and Love Hurts does absolutely nothing to add to it, in many ways being the worst of them, since it doesn’t even attempt to feign originality. Whether or not it was aware of its shortcomings is up to interpretation, but the lack of effort does make it very clear that there wasn’t anything below the surface as far as its concept goes, doing less than the minimum when it comes to conceiving an original story.

Some films choose actors based on their skill, and those that select them to capture the zeitgeist and hopefully stir interest based on their participation. At a cursory glance, we are led to believe that Love Hurts occupies the former category, but as we make our way through he film, it becomes very clear that it’s the latter which prompted the casting of certain actors. The recent re-emergence of Ke Huy Quan has been a lovely example of the power of a good comeback – rising to prominence as a child star, but then growing disillusioned with Hollywood as a result of a lack of opportunities, before finally getting another chance and in the process earning a second wind. It’s an inspiring story of resilience, but also one that did inadvertently make him the subject of further scrutiny, since whatever he chose as his follow-up to Everything Everywhere All at Once was going to need to at least match the quality of his performance, or else risk his comeback being viewed as a fluke. Unfortunately, Love Hurts is the complete opposite of what he should have done – a film that may place him in a lead role, but which gives him such a dull and uninteresting character to play, removing all the qualities we love from Quan, such as his offbeat charm and penchant for quirky humour, and instead relying on his physicality, which is impressive but is barely enough to sustain this film as a whole. However, we can give Quan the benefit of the doubt – the same can’t be said for Ariana DeBose, who has proven on more than one occasion that her breakthrough with West Side Story was an anomaly, and one in which she merely got lucky in booking an iconic role, since absolutely nothing she has done since indicates that she possesses even an ounce of the talent we imagined when we first encountered her. She lacks any screen presence – in fact, she’s actively awkward and lacks even the most trace amounts of magnetism – and her role as the femme fatale in this film oscillates between hilarious and painful. The supporting cast – similarly filled with actors (or perhaps ‘personalities’ is a more appropriate term, since none of them can be considered to be acting) – fails to deliver, and seemingly were only cast to draw attention to this film, an act of self-awareness that makes it very clear that even the director knew just how weak and flaccid the final product was likely to be.

Outlining how Love Hurts fails to leave an impression is almost futile, since it’s far easier and perhaps even more entertaining to just list the core aspects of making a film and describe how it lacks any value. This starts right at the core of the story – the writing is truly atrocious, being filled with heavy-handed dialogue and non-sequiturs that just prove that not everyone with the ability to tell a story should be allowed to do so, especially when it is written by more than one person, leading us to wonder how none of the three credited writers were even vaguely able to pull together a single coherent line of dialogue. The direction is not much better – it is clear that Love Hurts was helmed by someone who spent most of his career working in stunts, a valuable industry (and one that has lent itself to producing some very gifted filmmakers in their own right, with people like Hal Needham and David Leitch proving to be solid and reliable directors after years spent as stunt coordinators, becoming masters in their respectives fields) but one that doesn’t automatically facilitate particularly effective skills when it comes to crafting a film. I do think Eusebio has the potential to be a gifted filmmaker, it just happens that his first endeavour into helming a film proved to be nothing but a bundle of poorly-constructed setpieces, and his consistent over-emphasis on the action, rather than even the most fundamental human emotions. The stakes are not interesting, the villains are poorly defined and lacking in any real complexity, and the actual approach to telling this story in the spaces in between the over-produced stunt sequences is flimsy at the best of times. It’s a total tonal and narrative misfire, and it’s honestly bewildering that anyone would look at the final product and think this is anything short of a complete abomination in terms of how it takes an already paltry set of ideas and refuses to allow them to amount to anything even vaguely compelling.

While I do try and keep everything as level-headed as possible and avoid hyperbole unless it is entirely necessary, its not an exaggeration to say that Love Hurts may just be the worst film of the decade so far, to the point where we actually cannot fathom just how dreadfully every aspect has to fail for a film with at least a somewhat promising premise falls short beyond any redemption. It should not be a case where the most entertaining aspect of a film is predicting just how tremendously it will fail when it comes to realising even the most basic of requirements. Narratively, it is atrocious, and the direction itself is dismal – impressive stunts mean absolutely nothing if there isn’t anything to accompany them, and it isn’t as if any aspect of this film is even revolutionary in terms of providing unbridled, action-packed entertainment. It also doesn’t help that it’s a career-worst for every actor involved in the production, to the point where we begin to question their fundamental talents and wonder whether or not they’ve earned their place in the industry. Quan manages to get away only slightly scuffed, but someone like DeBose has her stock as a performer entirely diminished, both as a result of the weak character and (perhaps more troubling), her singular disinterest in doing anything even vaguely interesting. Despite being marketed as an action-oriented comedy film, Love Hurts fails to be either funny or thrilling – its brief length is the sole merit, since it is over before we can become truly frustrated at its shortcomings, a brief reprieve from a film that we simply cannot find any value in, regardless of the extent to which we seek some redeeming quality, only to realised that it is as hollow as it is dull, proving to be a complete failure in every way.